Life Experiences

Marriage – Good Husband, Good Wife

Whats is the definition of a “Good husband”.

There’s no ‘good’ husband or ‘good’ wife. Desh-Kaal-Patra (place-times-roles) keep changing according to the culture-times-individual in a certain place/location.

Marriage is a beautiful dream until one gets married.

It is like buying a mango expecting it to be sweet. Only after it is cut and eaten can we tell whether it’s sweet or not. Or buying a coconut. Only after it’s broken will it reveal whether it’s kernel is tender or tough, has coconut water in it or not, is edible or rotten. As these do not come with a label of guarantee, so also does marriage. We take it and make it suitable by adjusting a little here, a little there, a little everywhere. These are modern times when one can return a bought item back instead of cursing fate and suffering it as one’s destiny, likewise in marriage, it’s no longer “Until death does us apart”.

Like everything else takes time to evolve, a couple must understand, accept that both will evolve and change over a period of time due to circumstances, preferences, interests and compulsions. Both have to allow the other space to pursue interests and not be judgemental all the time.  Most marriages kill happiness and togetherness by exercising too much control over the other in some or all areas of life.  The dependence of one on the other for something or the other is what makes a passive partner accept, suffer, surrender and allow themselves to be controlled by a possessive or dominant partner.  Some don’t even know they are under ‘control’ for a long time thinking this is a normal thing in a marriage.  i find this in most couples in India, both literate and illiterate.  Marriage is a sackful of emotions for a woman, for a man it’s more about status and outwardly being visible as ‘socially perceived as a responsible family guy who provides well and takes good care of his wife and kids’.

Distance makes the hearts grow fonder, but what is marriage if not of two souls and bodies uniting in wedlock. When someone comes too close like in marriage, we tend to see and pick on the negatives due to close proximity.  Who said marriage is not the same once the honeymoon gets over?! It could well start on the way to honeymoon, if not before!

If only we never forget that each is an individual first and a couple later.
With age, each should take up some hobby, like music, art, reading the scriptures if one is inclined to, blogging, signing up on Facebook, travelling if one is able to, volunteering to work somewhere; so that both don’t remain in each other’s company all the time to start the game of nit-picking and promote more intolerance.
Trust and faith in each other helps a lot especially during those crucial times when one needs the other badly – emotionally, physically, morally, financially.

It is easy to write these lines ‘after’ going through decades of marriage!

‘Before’ marriage it’s a different set of parameters altogether!
For a girl, he should be as handsome as Clarke Gable or Liam Neeson of the Steven Spielberg’s (1993) Schindler’s List fame, tall, very understanding, always friendly, gentlemanly enough to treat his lady with respect…always.  Even if one or two of these conditions cannot be met, it is ok, provided he earns very well, owns the place he lives in or be endowed with enough inherited property or wealth to be able to afford those lazy Mediterranean Cruise, a trek or two on the Alps or Himalayas, those lovely Buffet at a 7 star hotel, pay all those shopping Bills at the Gate.  Did i hear someone say Bill Gates or Warren Buffet?! Yes i almost but forgot these most eligible names when money is being discussed.  Be the man around house, help her with kitchen work, help her with raising kids, be nice to her side of the family, never forget birthdays and anniversaries of those who matter to her, offer to take care of the house if she needs to spend time with her friends or family.
For a man, she should be tall, slim, beautiful, educated, earn full-time pay in some part-time job, willing to bear him kids, raise them with a smiling face – without his help of course, get into ship-shape after delivery, dress like a model most times, have the right social graces, carry herself with dignity at all times, never complain about him to anyone, yes, not even to her family or close friends, rustle up gourmet meals for him and his friends to show off his prize catch, be friendly but not too friendly with all and sundry, be the perfect host, never nag, never refuse something he wishes, be there when he gets back tired after the day’s hard work, never ask or discuss money, be independent minded especially where house work is concerned but must consult him before spending her own money and last but not least never question about his family or when he comes home late.
Alas only after marriage, does one know the ‘why me?’ of it all for both man and woman.
There’s an enlightenment after marriage.  Theory is so much different from practicals! Like the one who scores top marks in college but fails to get a job.
As the marriage progresses, should the wife fall sick, husband will think alas how nice to have a healthy wife; should the husband not earn well enough, a wife will think if only i had a husband who earns well enough to support and keep me happy…. what one does not have, one yearns for.  Wishing is one thing, what life deals is another thing for many couples. Not a single marriage is picture perfect.  It is the couple who can make it near perfect with mutual respect for each other’s space, privacy, likes and dislikes.  It is the basic human need to interact with others.  Marriage, family, children, friends very much form part of who we are, what we can be, how and why we should try to lead a better and life. To a happier life – married or otherwise 🙂
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